"If you could talk to your past self, at what point in life would you stop and what would you say?"

I got bored and decided to ask ChatGPT for a random question. Here's what it threw at me:

"If you could talk to your past self, at what point in life would you stop and what would you say?"

Honestly? There are way too many things I'd want to change. Too many things I'd want to tell my past self—do this, don't do that, make a different decision. But on the other hand, I know that everything I've done, both good and bad, shaped who I am today. And if I changed even one thing, maybe the current me wouldn't exist.

But... then I started thinking again. Is the current me good enough? Am I where I want to be? Am I not allowed to dream bigger? So yeah, here we go.

workplace struggles

haloow, let me spill some tea real quick. and btw, it will mix of english and indo since i was so buruburu biar ini cepetan publish jadi ga punya banyak waktu buat mikir, 'englishnya ini apa ya?'

so, end of last year, gue keterima kerja di sebuah perusahaan manufaktur menjadi HR staff, yes, staff. sengaja gue apply ke posisi ini, walaupun pengalaman gue sebelumnya jadi head. the reason? simpel. my HR knowledge was basically baby-level. gue butuh lebih banyak pengalaman, terutama di perusahaan manufaktur which, surprise surprise I had zero exposure to. pengalaman sebelumnya tuh lebih ke rekrutmen dan payroll, sementara di sini gue bakal lebih fokus ke dokumen dan training. a whole new world~ tapi gue ga nyesel, meski ngeluh mah ada. hehe.

lingkungan kerja? overall, ok-ish. but yaaa adapting is a whole other battle. dulu di startup gue termasuk yang tua, sekarang malah jadi yang muda (middle-aged in the office ecosystem, I guess). bedanya kerasa banget. I used to be the one people listened to; now I have to be the one who listens. ditambah, sistem di sini... yaa, a beautiful mess ;) no no no, not even blaming the last person tho', justru dia nyimpen dokumen dengan rapih. problemnya? dia cabut sebelum gue masuk. no handover. nothing. nada. thankfully, GA and my manager are somewhat guiding me—just not in a way that actually helps.

jadi yaudah, gue coba ngerangkak sendiri, ngeliat sistemnya kayak gimana, ngikutin yang udah ada, dan mulai baca situasi. so far? still surviving. and of course. salah satunya, i’m not exactly the “smiley-friendly” type, and apparently, that’s a crime here. kayaknya itu bikin beberapa orang di sini jadi ga terlalu ramah sama gue. tapi setelah gue pikir-pikir lagi, mungkin mereka juga ngerasa gue yang ga ramah duluan. gue udah coba sih buat lebih friendly, tapi mereka keburu buang muka duluan. mostly dari departemen tertentu yang emang dari dulu ga terlalu akrab sama HR. u know exactly which one i’m talking about ;)

masalah lain? setelah beberapa bulan di sini, gue ngerasa... gue belom punya temen. ada sih beberapa yang ngobrol kalo ketemu, tapi ya cuma obrolan standar. ga ada yang sampe bisa diajak "eh lo tau ga sih?" kayak di kantor lama. ironically, the people i vibe with the most are from a different department—the one i rarely see unless it’s home time. ya gimana, itu pun waktunya terbatas banget kan? jadi gue sedih karena ga bisa sharing of my thought with my people :(

so then I started thinking... am I just that unlikeable? or do they just assume I’m unfriendly? di sisi lain, pernah juga gue ditegur gara-gara pernah terlalu akrab sama departemen lain. katanya, "hr ga boleh gitu, nanti kamu keceplosan info hr." gue ngerti sih maksudnya, gue juga paham bahwa gue harus memisahkan hubungan pertemanan dan pekerjaan, tapi apa kalo akrab otomatis bakal bocorin info perusahaan? kan enggak.

alright then, if I can’t be friends with other departments, who am i supposed to be friends with? fellow hr? i tried. multiple times. but the vibe? ice. cold.  maybe it’s just me ovt, tapi boleh dong kalo gue cerita dan nuangin kegelisahan gue dari sudut pandang gue? perasaan gue yang valid ini boleh dong dituangin dalam bentuk tulisan? dan kalau ada yang baca dan ada yang tau siapa yang gue maksud di sini, ga masalah dong? karena sekali lagi, ini sudut pandang gue, dan gue juga berharap kalau ini cuma perasaan gue dan faktanya ga seperti yang gue pikirin.

jadi gini, ada yang bikin makin sedih, ada satu orang—sebut aja A. dia orang yang sama yang bilang gue ga boleh terlalu deket sama dept lain, dan I SWEAR TO GOD, gue ga tersinggung. gue seneng banget dia mengkhawatirkan gue. REALLY. cuma yang bikin gue bingung, kenapa dia juga jarang ngajak gue ngobrol? dia ga pernah cerita soal masalah-masalah yang pernah terjadi di pabrik, there are so many things i found out from other people—like how contracts got switched to outsourcing, past employee protests, unfair salary increases, even that one time when someone literally threw something inside the factory. dia ga pernah sharing sama gue. beda banget sama gue di kantor lama, di mana gue (sbg orang lama) selalu ngasih heads-up ke orang baru biar mereka ga kaget sama situasi di dalam.

di perusahaan lama, gue beberapa kali sharing sama orang baru tentang kantor karena biar mereka ga kaget sama apa yang terjadi, tapi orang ini ga sharing ke gue sama sekali, dia ngebiarin gue tau sendiri atau ga sama sekali. mungkin dia tipe orang yang ga pernah sharing, mungkin. but, intinya dia hampir ga pernah cerita, yang dia cerita cuma keluhan dia tentang outsource which is gue ga keberatan dan gue malah seneng, sumpah, gue tuh seneng banget dibagi keluhan karena gue ngerasa dianggap bgt. i love that. makes me feel included. 

gue beberapa kali coba buka obrolan, cari topik, tapi dia kayak ga tertarik buat ngobrol lebih jauh. sampe akhirnya gue capek sendiri. apalagi pas gue kerja sambil denger lagu biar ga ngantuk, dia langsung negur, "don’t use earphones, other employees will get jealous." oh, i didn't know listening to music was an exclusive privilige. padahal dept lain pada pake earphone juga, bahkan hr lain pun ada yang pake, cuma kita aja yang enggak. ya ampun, gue ga bisa konsentrasi tanpa musik, gue ngantuk parah, dan ini bener-bener bikin gue makin capek T_T

di kantor sebelumnya, i could listen to music freely, terutama kalo lagi fokus ngerjain sesuatu, gue boleh dengerin lagu pake earphone, because, u know, i actually work better with music. without it, i get sleepy. dan ini yang bikin gue makin ngerasa gue capek, karena gue ga bisa konsentrasi dengan baik. ya allah demi allah demi rasulullah mikirin gue besok kerja tanpa musik aja udah bikin gue stress.

gue pengen banget loh bisa akrab sama dia, gue pengen bgt bisa ngobrol banyak sama dia, tapi dia keliatan tertutup banget, gue beberapa kali juga ngajak dia main, dia ngeiyain juga kok beberapa kali, dan beberapa kali sisanya keliatan dia udah punya janji duluan dan gue ga maksa, sampai tibalah hari itu..

gue ajak dia bukber, dan dia bilang ga bisa, gue tanya apa sama suaminya, dia jawab iya, tapi malemnya gue liat dia bukber sama orang-orang yang udah resign. was i upset? i mean, a little. not because they hung out with other people, but because... why lie? just say no. it’s not like i was gonna beg to come along. apa dia mikir gue bakal maksa ikut kalo gue tau mereka pergi bareng? gue ga kayak gitu kok, gue juga paham kalo dia jujur, tapi kenapa dia harus boong? itu yang bikin gue sedih, banget.

hari berikutnya gue ketemu dia, ga lama, ga lebih dari sejam, gue tau ini kesalahan gue karena gue telat dari waktu yang seharusnya, tapi dia pun suka begitu, dept lain pun begitu, dan gue kira yang penting kalo gue dateng telat, gue pulang juga harus telat, padahal hanya hari itu juga gue telat dan gue beneran pulang telat. but yeah, i don't say sorry, it was my mistake.

sejak saat itu, conversations got shorter, colder, deader. gue ngerasa dia semakin menjauh, dan gue makin ga punya alasan buat bertahan di sini. di sisi lain, ada juga beberapa kebijakan di kantor yang bikin gue capek. one of the reasons i quit my previous job was because the CEO kept throwing random policies with zero discussion. and guess what? history repeats itself. except this time, i can’t even clarify things directly. there’s distance.

why not talk to my boss? good question. maybe i should’ve. but at this point? i was already too disappointed to even bother.

long story short: i’m tired. i’m frustrated. i need a friend. or maybe... just maybe... i should stop pretending to be nice just so people will like me? maybe just being me is enough? i mean, there were always people who liked me for who i was, right? so why do i feel so alone now?

gue sedih, gue bingung. semoga besok lebih baik. jujur, gue pengen banget bisa akrab sama mereka semua. terutama dengan A.

and if anyone asks me, “why are you so obsessed with A?” my answer would be:
because A is the only person working in the same room as me. how the hell am i supposed to survive a space where i don’t even feel comfortable with the only other person there?! ugh... i’m so stressed.

gue berharap banget kalo apa yang gue pikirin tentang A ini cuma perasaan gue aja, ini cuma pikiran liar gue aja. mungkin A emang tipe yang ga mudah akrab sama orang, mungkin A masih ngerasa sedih karena ditinggal fellow HR, mungkin A emang introvert aja kayak gue, bedanya dia lebih introvert. please, gue sangat berharap semoga ini cuma pikiran buruk gue, gue ga mau kalau kenyataannya emang A benci gue, gue ga mau dibenci, terutama sama A :(

some questions and i replied

hii, jadi kemarin adalah hari terakhir gue kerja dan hari ini gue ngerasa lost

kayaknya gue tau deh kenapa orang bilang kalau mau resign dari kerjaan, at least lo harus punya gantinya dulu, biar apa? biar ga bengong kayak gue gini. karena jujur, sekarang yang di otak gue adalah... bisa ga ya gue dapet kerjaan lagi dalam waktu cepat? atau bisa ga ya, gue cuma ngandelin duit suami? dan bisa ga ya gue ga stress dan punya kesibukan lagi?

jadi di sini gue mau coba jawab pertanyaan-pertanyaan ini biar gue normal. karena kadang pertanyaan ini tuh sebenernya bisa gue jawab, cuma pas lagi down tiba2 ntar ngeblank dan makin down. tbh, gue tuh ga mau depresi dan mau terus aktif (siapa sih yang ga mau?). cuma karena selama ini selalu ngandelin kerja di kantor buat isi waktu, gue jadi takut ngeblank, apalagi mengingat gue punya nyokap yang janda dan saat ini gue masih numpang, siapa yang bakal ngasih beliau uang selama gue belum kerja?

so here the questions and chatgpt helps me to ask some question below here:

yep. finally i did it.

gusy, this post is seriously a mixed bag, like a rolleroaster of emotions. and honestly, it;s probably going to be long. so, a little trigger warning for those in happy mood—u might wanna skip this, cause it's likely to be a bit negative. andddd.... i'll try my best to keep it clean, though.

so, for the past few months, my company's finances have been kinda shaky (i told it in another post). we even had layoffs (read this). and now, out of nowhere, comes a new bombshell: a 50% pay cut and mandatory WFA with no definite end date. like, wow, thanks, what i needed is WFA but 50% pay cut??? and as HR, i still had to confirm a few things since this was such a sudden decision. and yeha, i also had to inform the other full-time employees (all two of 'em, plus the OB). and if this affected the interns, i had to let them know, too.

housewife? and what would I do?

So, I've always dreamed of being that classic career woman with a regular 8 to 5 gig, Monday to Friday. Superrr excited about having office buddies with similar goals, into a bunch of tasks, and of course, getting that sweet monthly paycheck wkwk. It seemed like a blast!

But lately I've been thinking—why not just stay at home and being a housewife? It sounds pretty cool to spend my days doing hobbies, learning to cook, and doing whatever without stressing about time management. Being a housewife might be less complicated—no office drama, no coworkers conflicts, and no boss issues. I could focus on household chores, support my hubby (just a heads-up:I'll be referring to him as "Utuk" here, since that's how I usually call him), and maybe even get back into "ngelukis" like I did back in SMA (which I’ve kinda let slide T_T).

let it go; stoicism philosophy

I just gave the blog a little glow-up to make them easier to read. honestly, the old posts were kinda messy, haha. I wrote them on a whim without editing, so they turned out kinda jumbled. bet some of u were thinking, “what’s this even about?” lol.

I also used to keep this blog kinda on the down-low, like sharing my thoughts here was some big deal or even a no-no, haha. but that’s pretty silly, right? hiding it just makes it seem like something's wrong. but really, I just want to share my feels—joy, sadness, frustration, whatever. those feelings are valid, so why should I be embarrassed?

and honestly, there's nothing to be ashamed of. I’m not talking bout some hidden alter ego (which should probably stay hidden, haha). everything I write here is real and can be backed up. I get why this blog wasn’t shared openly before—I was scared of being judged. I worried people would think, “Ih dia mah baperan,” “Ih dia mah lebay,” or “Ih dia mah drama.” still gotta remind myself that my feelings are valid, and if someone thinks poorly of me, it's no biggie. even Rasulullah get criticized, so why not me?

so, I’m still trying to live more positively and just be myself. trying to not look back and don't care what people say.

try to be more possitive

hey guys!

so, here’s the deal—i’ve been kinda stuck in a negativity spiral lately and not really sharing the good stuff. but let’s be real, this blog’s kinda my space to vent, and venting usually comes with a side of gloom, right?

From HR to HeaRtache

hii guys, so I decided to take a leave today, because I'm sick. I’ve been feeling pretty crappy for the past few days—well, more like a few months—and I need a serious break. I’ve been trying to figure out why I’m feeling this way. could it be this? or could it be thatt? idk. but honestly, it mostly boils down to work. although, when I think about it, my job isn’t even that bad or the worst thing in the world, I guess...

a rollercoaster of thoughts

hiii, after a few months, I finally found some time to write here again.

sebelumnya, gue mau kasih tau dulu kalau curhatan kali ini bakal full english, ini sengaja sekaligus melatih skill english gue (you’ll understand what I mean after u read the second-to-last paragraph, xixi)

what you need to know.

Tulisan ini gue dedikasikan untuk orang-orang yang sering berpikiran yg enggak enggak dengan gue. Bisa jadi lo juga gue tulis di sini

btw, I’ve removed the original post and rewritten it in english to better manage the tone—keeping it respectful but a bit direct, hehe. hope it comes across okay.